July 21, 2006 - I lost my best friend

I like the term 'lost'. Like she just went missing and one day she'll pop back up, probably when I least expect it. It's not as final as saying she passed away or died. I don't want it to be that final. I keep needing to pick up the phone and call her and say 'guess what happened?' but she's not there.

How do you say goodbye to someone you love as a sister but, more importantly, you like as a friend? I mean, sisters are important but you can't choose them the way she and I chose each other. And maybe that makes the bond extra special, because we've chosen it instead of having it forced on us by genetics. Or maybe I'm just hoping she loved me a fraction of the amount that I love her. Because I do still love her. That's never going to be in the past tense.

I didn't get to say what I wanted to but that fits with the term 'lost'. Because you never know when you will lose something. People always say you should enjoy things while you have them but those people never remind you to memorize and hold dear every part of it because one day it could get lost. And you'll want to remember.

Terra Dawn Kilby, my best girlfriend in the world, died at home when a bloodclot hit her lung after midnight on July 21. She was 28 and planning a career, a wedding and a life.

I wrote this a long time ago and taped a copy to Terra's door in residence:

Though I may not say it often enough,
loud enough,
I am glad to have known you.
Life is never too lonely
if someone is there to care.
You can never be brought down
when someone can share the pain.
This world can wear down the strongest of hearts,
fog the clearest of minds,
but,
with you,
I have the strength to make it.

I'm going to miss her.